Where to begin? Well, since this is my first post here, I guess I should start with the basics. I'm 31, married, live in Colorado with my wife & 3 dogs. I do a lot of exciting things during my time on this spinning rock, I hunt, fish, hike, bike, work out, play sports with my young siblings (they're my in-laws but I was the youngest in my family, so I think of them like blood relatives). I also enjoy movies, the company of my wife, writing and reading. It's the simple things in life that makes it so great, right? (just nod your head in agreement)
So why haven't I been happy? I haven't been happy for years. Now don't get me wrong, I love my wife, I'm happy in my marriage, I love the life we have built, I love LIFE in general but I have this nagging feeling that something has been missing, a part of me is gone and I've felt empty. Some part of me is unfulfilled and I have had a hell of a time trying to figure the mystery of what is missing. Up until a few weeks ago I found myself drifting through life, watching rather than participating. I see years flying by and here I am unable to grasp life or figure out exactly what I'm doing here and whether or not I have a purpose.
So what is it exactly that I am missing? Well frankly, it is work. See, I, like so many Americans recently, have found myself out of work for going on years. I find jobs that hold me over, temporary fixes to a bigger problem. Kind of like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound, it might stop the bleeding for a minute but eventually you've got to find a more permanent solution. I'm sick of being stuck in a never ending cycle of doing "jobs" I hate to find a "career" I love. I'm on a road to find my eternal happiness in my work. So where does that eternal happiness lie with me? To tell you that, I have to start at the beginning.
Ask almost anyone what I wanted to be when I "grew up" (here I'm almost 32 and I can tell you I'll never fully grow up) and they're likely to tell you that I wanted to be a police officer. It seems to run in my family. I have numerous uncles, aunts, cousins and the like that have walked the thin blue line in their life. Ten years ago I was on my way towards becoming a police officer when the unthinkable happened. I won't bore you with details but I will tell you my life and that of my future wife were almost ended by an act of irresponsibility on the part of another driver (who happened to be hauling 80,000lbs of gravel behind her). Cue dramatic music and a seeming end to any hope of ever accomplishing what I have always wanted to do. This was the turning point in my life, the point of no return for me. I was now stuck. I haven't been able to find my happy place since. Call it depression or angst or whatever but I haven't been able to find anything to replace that part of me. I accepted that I was done and have lived like that since that day....
Until something happened to me. I cannot explain what exactly, because I'm not sure. We went to the movies and saw Act of Valor. During one scene one of the SEALS tells his buddy that hey cannot live life like they're afraid to die. That got me thinking...got me thinking really long and hard about whether or not I'm doing just that. I know, inspired by a movie, cheesy...But I took it to heart. I don't want to be afraid, I want to succeed. I looked in myself and realized that inside me still burns the fire to do what I love. I heard a voice from way deep inside me asking what I'm doing with my life. This is where I insert a little of my beliefs, and no I don't care what you think about them. I believe there's a God to save me from hell and I feel like he was really calling me to task on my life. I couldn't accurately answer the question I was asked because I don't know what I'm doing with my life...or at least I didn't at the time...
So, I took a leap of faith. I told my wife that I've had enough, I'm returning to the law enforcement academy this fall, I'm going to pass it and there is nothing that can stop me. Old injuries are healing, both mentally and physically. Am I afraid? Not really. After all I've been through, there is no way I can be. I've figuratively lived through hell and came out the other side upright and now I'm ready to fight for everything I want. I've got 4 months to get in shape, get my mind right and get ready to do this again. I've started working out and although I've got a long ways to go...I'm ready...
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night - By: Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
